Comments on: For a Limited Time Only-second draft

By: lgharte

lgharte — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 22:27:51 +0000

Thanks for the suggestions. It’s amazing how I’ll notice that something seems repetitive, and not realize that’s it’s because I’ve repeated a word!
I don’t know how much more I’m going to write because it was just meant as a short, short story, but we’ll see.

By: Lori.Romano

Lori.Romano — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 00:24:36 +0000

Lorri–I really enjoyed this, and I do agree that it makes things interesting not to use too many names. However, as I was reading, I thought an easy way to incorporate at least the name of the officer would be to use the blonde woman…

She walked over stood uncomfortably close to him. “Change your mind officer?”

You could have her read his name off his badge, even say it sort of sarcastically, which would fit well with her character. Just a thought.

Also, just a couple of more technical comments for you to think about…In paragraph 4, you use the word “stupid” twice. And in paragraph 5, the word “searched”. I just thought perhaps it might help the flow to choose a synonym in those cases for a little more variety.

Overall, I am really digging the story, but I agree with Kristina–I want more!

By: kristinabrooke

kristinabrooke — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 05:24:54 +0000

Interesting. making them nameless is a good touch as it allows a bit of “they are us; we are them” – something that makes the story hit home even more. I’m wondering if the problem is that I do want to know more about the officer. I want to know more about the “smart person”. Not their names, but is the “smart person” just an opportunist? Is the officer doubtful that “smart people” actually exist?

I’m starting to believe that for me the problem is simply that I want more. LOL

By: lgharte

lgharte — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 21:04:20 +0000

I agree. I think part of the problem is that I deliberately didn’t want any of the characters to have names, so it became difficult to describe actions and feelings. I’m not sure if it works. What do you think? Should I give the police officer a name?

By: kristinabrooke

kristinabrooke — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 18:25:57 +0000

I like the concept! It is funny and shows a reality that is shameful and aggravating. There is, however, one paragraph that I find awkward:

He found that he had stopped listening. The young man continued listening, but he wasn’t able to pay attention to what he was saying. He was starting to feel uncomfortable. Something wasn’t quite right. There was a sharp pain in the center of his forehead and his palms began sweating. What was happening to him? He took his hands out of his pockets, trying to find comfort, but it didn’t help.

It doesn’t seem to flow as well as the rest of the story.