Chapter 2
CHAPTER TWO
“Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
‘Til you let go.
‘Til you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven
And you throw yourself off.
Now you’re out there spinning
In the deep.” –Bird York
I was never the type of girl who attracted much attention from the opposite sex. Sure, there were a few boys who had crushes on me at various times throughout my life (and I even have a Valentine’s card and an original poem from elementary school to prove it), but I was never one of the girls who constantly had a flock of guys just waiting to ask her out. It wasn’t until I moved to Holdrege that I was “asked out” for the first time in 7th grade.
“Dating” in middle school meant little more than meeting at the movie theater, sitting next to each other, and holding hands during the film. Those who happened to have boyfriends or girlfriends during one of the school dances clung to each other during every slow song, spinning in slow circles on the dance floor and sneaking the occasional kiss in the dim lights when the chaperones weren’t looking. Middle school relationships lasted anywhere from a few hours to a few months, and the passage of time and anniversaries were marked by fake jewelry and cheap cologne bought at the local Pamida store.
I had a couple boyfriends during 7th and 8th grade, but no one that really stuck. I wasn’t exactly one of the “popular” crowd, and was a bit too much of a tomboy, and too good of a drummer, to really warrant more than a passing interest by my male peers.
High school was always a different story. High school was the time when you were supposed to be in a relationship, and if you weren’t, you were ostracized. It became a competition, to find a partner and see how long you could stay together. In high school, dating took on a whole new significance.
For girls, there was little they could do to expedite the process, other than playing dumb and trying to make themselves as attractive as possible to the opposite sex—two things I had never been particularly good at. I didn’t wear makeup, except the occasional bit of concealer and powder to dull the shine on my face. I dressed to be comfortable, which most days meant a t-shirt and jeans. And playing dumb? The concept didn’t even make sense to me. I was having a hard enough time figuring out who I was, I wasn’t about to confuse myself by trying to act like someone else.
School had only been in session about a month, and I was busy trying to settle into my new life as a high school freshman. Outside of class, my days were consumed with marching band, choir, volleyball and a part-time job at Hinky Dinky, a grocery store on the north side of town, within walking distance from our house. There were several guys in high school whom I thought were cute, but I couldn’t imagine any of them actually asking me out. A few of my friends and teammates began dating boys shortly after the year began, and I couldn’t help but be jealous. Dating seemed far more exciting now that there were older, more mature guys available, and I couldn’t wait for my turn.
I didn’t have to wait very long. On the bus ride home from a volleyball game in Cozad, two teammates, Rachel and Tina, cornered me and fired questions so fast, I was dizzy from the momentum.
“So you know we’ve been dating Ben and Randy, right?” Rachel asked, plopping down in the seat next to me.
“Um, yeah,” I said. “You guys’ve been seeing them for like three weeks now, right?”
Tina hung over the back of the seat in front of me. “Yep,” she said. “They’re really cool. And they’ve got a friend who’s been asking you.”
“You know Chase, right?” Stacy asked. “I know you’ve probably seen him around. He drives that black Mustang.”
I shook my head. “Nah, I don’t think so. Is he a junior?”
Rachel and Tina looked at each other and smiled slyly.
“No, he’s a senior,” Rachel said. “You know who he is. The black Mustang? Remember, he got busted the first day of school for spinning donuts in the student parking lot?”
I shook my head again. “I heard about it, but I don’t think I’d know him if I saw him.”
“Come on, Lori,” Tina said. “Don’t play dumb. You’ve seen him. He’s always with Ben and Randy. He was with them today by our lockers. You didn’t notice the guy staring at you?”
My cheeks flushed hot, and I shook my head again.
“Oh my God!” Tina cried. “The first girl in the whole freshman class to have a senior interested in her, and she doesn’t even notice!”
“Lori, be serious,” Rachel said, lowering her voice now that several of the other girls were looking our way. “You’ve never even noticed Chase? He’s been asking about you for like a week now, and Ben and Randy finally agreed to get us to talk to you. You’re willing to go out with him, right?”
“What? But I don’t even know him,” I protested.
Both Rachel and Tina just stared at me.
“So what’s to know?” Rachel asked, her voice dripping with exasperation. “He’s a senior, and he’s interested. Any other girl on this bus would kill for the chance to go out with a senior!”
I was quiet for a moment, considering the possibility. Here we were, two weeks into the school year, and there was some senior who was actually interested in me. Me! The other freshman girls had been plotting for months how to catch a senior for themselves. It was an unspoken competition, a rite of passage. Only the most popular, the most worthy, had been able to attract the interest of the seniors, by whatever means necessary. Some girls started to party, some slept around, some simply chose the biggest dorks in the senior class and poured out all of their affections until the poor saps caved in and asked them out. I had done none of these things. In fact, I had done nothing, and here I was, the first real candidate in the exclusive Snag a Senior Club. The thought both frightened and thrilled me.
“So are you interested or not?” Tina asked. “We’re supposed to hang out this weekend, and he wants to know if you’re gonna be there.”
“I don’t know. I guess so,” I said.
Rachel and Tina collapsed into nervous giggles.
“Oh this is gonna be so much fun!” Tina said. “Ask your parents if you can spend the night at Rachel’s this weekend. Her parents are gonna be out of town, so we’ll have the boys over and watch movies or somethin’.”
My heart fluttered. “Oh, um, I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe it’s not such a good idea.”
“Oh give me a break, Goody Two-Shoes,” Tina sighed. “There’s nothing going on. We’re just going to watch movies and hang out. It will give you and Chase a chance to get to know each other.”
“Yeah, it’s fine,” Rachel agreed. “You don’t have to worry.
“All right,” I said.
Tina smiled. “Great! I’ll call Randy when I get home and let him know.” She clapped her hands together. “This is so exciting!”
***
When the bell for lunch rang on Friday, I hurried to my locker to drop off my books so I could meet my friend, Jenny, to walk to Casey’s and grab a bite to eat. I was so focused, I didn’t even notice Chase standing next to me.
“Hey,” he said, catching my arm, as I turned to head down the stairs.
I blushed.
“Hey, sorry. I didn’t even see you there,” I said.
He laughed. “That’s okay. What do you say we go grab some lunch?”
“Oh, uh, I’m supposed to walk to Casey’s with a friend. She’s meeting me out front.”
Chase shrugged. “So, this friend can come, too. We can fit in my car.”
“Um, sure, okay, let me ask her,” I stammered, hating myself for sounding so stupid.
“So, I’m excited to hang out tonight,” Chase said, as we pushed the crowd of students swarming toward the door.
My fluttering heart began to pick up its pace and thump against my sternum.
“Yeah, me too,” I said. “I think it will be fun.”
Jenny was waiting just outside the southwest entrance. Her eyes widened when she saw me walking with Chase.
“Hey, Jen,” I said. “Chase wanted to know if we wanted to go to lunch with him today.”
“Yeah, sure,” she said. “Hey, Chase.”
“Hey,” he replied.
Chase’s black Mustang was parked in the north student lot, so we had to circle around the building. With just over a half hour for lunch, students who left campus didn’t spend any time dillydallying. By the time we reached Chase’s car and climbed in, the lot was nearly deserted. He turned the key and pushed the pedal to the floor. The engine roared. He dropped the car into gear and the back end fishtailed, spitting clouds of dirt and rocks behind us as we lurched onto the street, tires squealing. I looked back at Jenny. She was laughing.
With Chase at the wheel, speeding down backstreets, we were able to make it to McDonald’s before most of the other students. We placed our orders and took a seat at a table near the front window. Jenny had always been better at making small talk, and I was a little jealous at how easily she could talk to Chase, while I sat in anxious silence.
He was a decent-looking guy, with short, neatly-cut blonde hair that was gelled and spiked on top. He wore a pair of blue jeans and a blue long-sleeved button-down shirt, tucked neatly in at the waist. He had bright blue eyes, a lopsided smile, and crooked teeth that gave him a slight lisp when he spoke. He was tall and toned without looking overly muscular, someone who worked out to keep in shape, but not necessarily to participate in any high school sports. He smelled of Stetson cologne and menthol cigarettes.
From time to time, Chase would look over at me and smile, and each time he did, a swarm anxious butterflies began to swarm in my stomach. There was something about Chase’s crooked grin that made me nauseous, though I guessed it was just nervousness. Whatever it was, I barely at two bites of my lunch before it was time to head back for afternoon classes. Chase tore back into the parking lot, missing several cars by mere inches. We slid to a stop in a cloud of dust. He walked me into the hallway. I noticed the piercing stares of several of the other freshman girls as Chase paused for a moment by my locker.
“Thanks for taking us to lunch today,” I said.
Chase shrugged. “It was fun. I’ll pick you up again on Monday if you want.”
Well, at least I haven’t done anything to turn him off yet, I thought.
I smiled. “Sure, that sounds great.”
The warning bell rang, and sent students scurrying.
Chase stood for a moment longer, just staring at me and smiling. Then he leaned in close.
“I’ll see you tonight,” he whispered, his lips so close to my ear that I could feel the heat of his breath. Then he turned and walked away, weaving through the crowd of freshman and bounding up the stairs.
My heart was thumping wildly. A crowd of popular freshman girls stood a few lockers down, throwing annoyed glances my direction and whispering. I tried to ignore them, pulling my Spanish book from my locker and slamming the door closed. I breezed through the door and slid into my desk as the tardy bell rang shrilly.
***
I didn’t have any problems getting my parents to agree to let me spend the night at Rachel’s. Mom and Dad never had to call ahead and check out my story. I was the good child. I never snuck out of the house. I never broke curfew. I never drank. I thought smoking was disgusting and constantly harassed Dad to quit. I’d always been told how mature I was for my age, how responsible, and I wore the compliment like a badge of honor. The only way I even made it through asking my parents to spend the night at Rachel’s was the fact that they trusted me enough not to question it. Had they asked me, point blank, if Rachel’s parents were going to be home, I probably would have ended up spilling the truth. But they didn’t. My guilty conscious might have gotten the better of me that evening, had I not been so nervous.
I went home after school to pack my overnight bag. At five, just before my mom was due home from work, Tina arrived to pick me up. She had conned her older brother into taking the three of us to rent movies and then drive us to Rachel’s, if we each agreed to chip in ten dollars to pay for his gas and dinner. I threw my bag in the back and climbed in the truck, handing over my share of the bribe.
We got to the video store early enough that there were actually a few new releases still left on the shelves. We grabbed Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, The Crow, and Hot Shots: Part Deux, then headed to the store to pick up some soda and few bags of chips. The boys were planning to pick up a couple of pizzas and arrive sometime before 7:00.
At Rachel’s, we threw the food in the kitchen and the sodas in the refrigerator. Rachel took Tina’s and my bags and shut them in her room, then we headed down to the living room to watch TV and wait for the boys to arrive. Tina and Rachel were their usually giggly, giddy selves, and didn’t seem at all nervous about being in a house alone with boys that were three and four years older. Was I a goody two-shoes? I’d been called that before several times, but I’d always thought my friends were joking. Sure I hadn’t started drinking or smoking or dating as early as many of them did, but I didn’t think that made me abnormal. Tina and Rachel acted as if hanging out with older boys and deceiving their parents were the most natural things in the world, while my poor stomach was tied in painful knots.
When the doorbell rang, I actually heard my heart ricochet off my breastbone. I took a deep breath and tried to smile naturally as Rachel opened the door. Randy carried two pizzas, and made a beeline for the kitchen to set them down. Behind him, Ben and Chase strolled through the door, nonchalantly carrying two cases of Coors Light. My mouth fell open in surprise, but I snapped it shut again before anyone noticed. I looked at Rachel and Tina, but they didn’t even seem to notice.
“Hey,” Chase said, as he strolled passed me into the kitchen. I watched as he loaded the beer into the refrigerator.
I had tasted alcohol twice in my life. As a child, I sometimes went hunting with Dad and Grandpa Felker. Sitting in the gooseblind on the banks of the frozen Platte River, Grandpa would often make me a cup of hot chocolate to keep me warm. Once, Dad had stirred in a splash of Peppermint Schnapps, and I had barely been able to detect the flavor of mint as I sipped.
The only other time I could remember having alcohol was when I was five years old. Our dog Tu-tu had puppies, and we kept them in our basement in a pen that Dad made from some old boards and chicken wire, until they were old enough to be adopted. There were several bags full of cans in the basement—beer cans, soda cans, old vegetable and fruit cans—that we collected to recycle. I was thirsty and wanted something to drink, but I didn’t want to leave the puppies to go all the way upstairs. Dad had been down to check on the puppies, but had gone back up to watch TV, leaving a beer can on the stairs behind him. Picking up the can and feeling a few swallows still left in the bottom, I tilted my head back and drank. At the first taste of the bitter, lukewarm liquid, I began to cough and gag. I threw the can on the floor and ran upstairs to get a glass of water, hoping it would be enough to wash the nasty taste out of my mouth. I remember thinking that grownups must be crazy to actually want to drink the stuff.
I knew Lindy drank sometimes, and that it was pretty common among high school students. In the few short weeks since the school year began, I had already heard about several wild parties that sent the gossip gallery hustling to spread the news of who got wasted, who puked, and who hooked up with whom. While I sometimes wondered if I was missing out on the action, the thought of being out of control scared the hell out of me.
Now, here I was, watching Chase stack beer in the fridge. He left six out on the counter. Six. And that meant one of them was for me.
“So are you always this quiet, or do I just make you that nervous?”
It took a moment for me to realize that Chase was talking to me.
“Huh?” I asked.
He laughed and closed the fridge.
“You don’t say much, do you?” Chase asked. He cracked open one of the beers and took several long gulps.
I shrugged. “I don’t know, I guess not,” I said. My cheeks were hot, and I wondered if he noticed.
He laughed and picked up another beer from the counter, cracking it open, and handing it to me.
I didn’t know what to do. I sure as hell didn’t want to drink any of it, but I didn’t want Chase to think I was a total idiot. I held the cold can in my hand for a moment, then put it to my lips and pretended to swallow.
Can he tell I’m faking? I wondered. I stole a glance at Chase. He was watching me and smiling.
I tilted the can back down, trying not to wince as I licked the bitterness from my lips.
“You hungry?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
Chase took a paper plate from the stack on the counter.
“Supreme or plain cheese?” he asked, surveying the options.
“Cheese,” I answered quickly.
Jeff took a slice of cheese pizza, put it on the plate, and handed it to me.
“Thanks,” I said.
Rachel, Ben, Tina, and Randy burst into the kitchen, breathless and laughing.
“Yo man! You two startin’ the party without us?” Ben asked, pointing at the beer in my hand.
Chase laughed. “Hell yeah! That’s what you get for bein’ distracted!”
The boys laughed loudly. Tina and Rachel looked at each other and giggled. I got the feeling that I was missing something, and stood, waiting for someone to explain the joke. No one did. They grabbed plates of pizza and cans of beer and headed into the living room to start the movies. I followed.
We watched Ace Ventura while we ate. Randy, Ben, and Chase drank beer after beer without much of a pause in between. I tried a sip of mine, but even the tiny taste made me want to vomit. I continued to pretend to drink, pouring it down the sink when I went to the kitchen to throw away my empty plate. I kept the empty can on the table beside me to keep Chase from offering another. Both Rachel and Tina guzzled several beers each, and it wasn’t long before they began giggling more than usual, and slurring as they talked. When Tina got up to use the bathroom, she stumbled and nearly fell face first into the TV. Randy managed to grab her by the belt and pull her into his lap. She pushed him away playfully.
“I’m fine!” she giggled. “I just tripped a little. Come on, lemme go. I gotta pee!”
Randy helped her stand, and turned her so she faced the bathroom.
“There you go, baby,” he said. “Careful now.”
They laughed as she staggered to the bathroom, her left hand dragging across the wall for support. I hadn’t even noticed Chase, until I felt him brush against my shoulder. When we started the movie, Ben, Rachel, Tina, and Randy settled in snugly on the couch. Chase took a seat in the green recliner, and I sat a few feet away on the floor. Somehow, during the course of the movie, Chase had migrated onto the floor, sitting close enough to touch me.
Randy got up to switch the movies, then headed to the kitchen. Rachel giggled as Ben tickled her playfully, and I looked away when he pulled her close and began kissing her. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, so I didn’t do anything. I sat, staring at the TV and pretended to watch the Coming Attractions.
I felt Chase’s hand on my shoulder. He had moved in behind me, sitting up against the corner of the couch. He pulled me back, until I was leaning into him, my head and shoulders resting against his chest, his left arm circling my shoulders and draped across my body. I could feel myself tensing at his touch, and he must have felt it too, because he laughed softly.
“You need to relax,” he whispered. He reached his right hand up and began massaging my neck and shoulders, his fingers kneading my muscles. I closed my eyes. Chase’s touch sent what felt like little electric charges pulsing through my body. I couldn’t decide whether I liked the feeling, as it began to make ne nauseous.
“Yo! Get a room!” Randy yelled, and my eyes snapped open.
Rachel giggled.
“Mind your business,” Ben retorted. “Maybe you should go check on your girlfriend. She hasn’t come back yet.”
“Aw, shit!” Randy said. He dumped the handful of beers on the couch next to Ben and disappeared into the hallway.
Ben opened a beer for Rachel and himself, then tossed one to Chase.
“Lori? You ready for another one?” he asked, holding one out to me.
“Oh, no thanks, I’m good,” I said.
Ben laughed and looked at Chase. “Man, this one’s a lightweight,” he said, nodding his head at me.
“Nah, leave her alone,” Chase said. “She’s okay, just taking it slow.”
My cheeks were hot, and I was glad that it was dark, so no one could see me blush.
“Damn! Are we ready to start this movie, or what?” Ben shouted. Randy and Tina spilled out of the hallway, clinging to each other and giggling madly.
“Yeah, we’re ready,” Randy said. He sat on the couch, and pulled Tina down next to him.
For the next few hours, I sat in uncomfortable silence, pretending to watch The Crow and after it, Hot Shots: Part Deux. Chase continued to rub my neck as I leaned against him. I shivered, and he must have thought I was cold, because he pulled a quilt from the chair behind him, and draped it over me.
There was something about his touch that made my skin crawl, like an army of tiny ants marching in tight formation. It was not a light, tingling, exciting feeling like I’d always read about in books. Instead, it made me want to pick and scratch at my skin until I pulled the flesh from my bones to get rid of the feeling. I wondered if this was what it was supposed to be like to be touched by a boy. I wondered if I would eventually start to like the feeling. Rachel and Tina didn’t seem to mind. In fact, Rachel and Tina and every other girl I knew seemed to enjoy it so much that they walked the halls at school with their boyfriends constantly draped all over them.
I closed my eyes and tried to push the thought away.
By the time the movies ended, both Tina and Randy were asleep on the couch. Rachel unfolded herself from Ben’s embrace and stood stretching. I followed her lead and stood up to stretch. Chase’s hands slid down my back as I pulled away from him. I didn’t look, but I could feel his stare.
“Hey, get up Sleepy,” Rachel said, slapping Randy’s foot to wake him. “Don’t even think about getting comfortable here tonight.”
Randy rolled his head to the side, but didn’t open his eyes.
“Aw, come on, baby,” Ben said, trying to pull Rachel back down onto the couch. “You mean we’re not spending the night?”
Rachel laughed. “Yeah right! My parents are coming back tomorrow, who knows what time. I’d love to see what my father would do if he walked in and caught the three of you here.”
“Nevermind,” Ben said, standing. “I ain’t waitin’ around to find out. Come on, Randy.”
Ben punched Randy in the leg. Randy moaned and began to stir. “All right, all right. Jesus,” Randy said. He untangled himself from the blankets and stood without waking Tina.
“Shit, man, she ain’t asleep. She’s passed out!” Chase said, laughing. “How much did she drink?”
Randy shrugged. “Who knows? She was keeping a pretty good pace with me for awhile.”
The boys laughed and began to migrate slowly toward the door.
“Think we can catch the end of the party over at Dougie’s?” Randy asked, fishing in his pocket for the keys to his truck. They had parked a few blocks away in the deserted lot behind the doctor’s office, to avoid the watchful eyes of the neighbors.
“Hell yeah,” Chase said. “You know Dougie’s parties never end before sunrise. We’ll get there just in time.”
“Hey, Randy, why don’t you make yourself useful and go get that piece of shit truck of yours and pick us up?” Ben asked, as he pulled Rachel into one of the shadowy corners near the door. Rachel giggled.
Randy waved his hand in dismissal. “Yeah, whatever man. Get it while you can. You better have your ass on that curb by the time I get back, or I’m leavin’ you.” He cut through the yard and disappeared around the side of the house.
I stepped out onto the dark porch. The September air was crisp and just cold enough to see light puffs of air emerge from my lips when I exhaled. The streetlights burned brightly, casting the parts of the neighborhood just beyond their reach into deep shadow. The last few crickets that hung on before the winter chirped loudly in the darkness. I breathed in deep, trying to slow the nervous pattering of my heart. The moment I had been both dreaming about and dreading had arrived.
Chase stepped in close behind me, his hands moving slowly around my hips to my abdomen. He pressed against me, and I could feel the heat of his body through our clothing. When I felt his hands slowly begin to travel up my body, I panicked, and turned suddenly to face him. He accepted my move as an invitation and smiled, leaning in slowly until our lips touched.
I had been kissed a few times before—in the darkness on the middle school dance floor, at the movies, and once even by a “boyfriend” that I’d invited up to spend the day at the lake with my family over the summer—but we had been children, and the kisses had been brief and childish attempts to feel like adults. Though I wasn’t much older, the act suddenly seemed so much more significant, and I couldn’t help but feel that this was one of the moments from which there was no return.
Chase kissed me, softly at first, our lips barely brushing. Then he pulled me tightly against him and pressed his lips firmly to mine. I gasped when I felt his tongue slither into my mouth. He buried one of his hands in my hair and pressed my face so firmly against his that his teeth cut into my lips. His other hand, that had been on my lower back, slowly began to slide around my waist and up my side. I clamped my elbow firmly against my body to stop the advance, and breathed a sigh of relief when the headlights of Randy’s truck spilled across the lawn.
When Chase pulled back, I leaned limply against the porch railing, feigning nonchalance when inside, my stomach was churning. I prayed that I wouldn’t vomit. Chase smiled and stepped down off the porch.
“I’ll see you later,” he said.
I didn’t have the strength to speak, so I nodded.
“Ben, let’s go!” Chase called. Then he turned and sauntered down the sidewalk. Behind me, Ben burst out the front door, stumbling across the porch and laughing. Rachel stood in the doorway and giggled, lifting her hand once to wave as the truck tore away from the curb and disappeared around the corner.
She threaded her arm through mine, as we retreated inside.
“So?” she asked, smiling. “What do you think? Did you have a great time?”
“Yeah,” I said, stretching a smile across my face that mirrored Rachel’s, “a great time.”
Later, curled up on the floor of Rachel’s room beneath a pile of blankets, I couldn’t stop my mind from replaying the events of the night, over and over. Long after both Rachel and Tina began to breathe slow and deep with sleep’s regularity, I stared at the ceiling in the darkness. I could smell Chase on me, that musky mixture of cologne and cigarettes, and I wondered if I had made a mistake, if I had set in motion something that was already spinning too quickly out of control.
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